Fri 7

Barney Goes Gangsta

I’m back on Tumblr after hiatus.

I got bored—really bored—and decided to write a rap inspired by Barney going apeshit on the White House correspondent today.

Just chillin’, thinkin’ bout war goin’ down in Afghanistan and table scraps n’ shit.

Is my mic turned up?
This is for all the bitches in lockup in the kennels in Crawford Tee Ex—special big ups to my main bitch Miss Beazley, yo…
Check it

I be chillin’ with my Kong toy and my Hill’s Science Diet
Tryna step in on my midday walk? Bitch, don’t try it
When you roll up in my crib, check your shit at the door
or I’ll leave a steamin’ present on the Oval Office floor

I’m the illest White House dog, so don’t let my cuteness fool you
Or I’ll one-up “No Child Left Behind” and motherfuckin’ school you
You think Dick Cheney’s psycho? Fool, his tired game is over
I won’t scatter you with bird shot, but I’ll chew your Prada loafer

I gets mad love from the First Lady Laura
She laces me with Beggin’ Strips and beds lined with angora
I got gully canine game, and I see you on my jock
Ease up, or I’ll end you (like the war should in Iraq)

Soon I’m peacin’ out to Crawford where my main bitches stay
‘Til then, press correspondents need to get up out my way
‘Cause I’m motherfuckin’ Barney, and I’m still up in this piece…

…is that a fucking squirrel in the Rose Garden? Nevermind, I’m out.


My life homie, Willie the cat, and my ol’ lady, Miss Beazley. We straight up ILL on Halloween, yo.

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Sat 27
Paul Newman passed away at the age of 83. He was absolutely one of my favorite actors—not only for his good looks and talent, but because a) he had so much life in his old age, b) he and Joanne Woodward (his wife since 1958, and now widow) had an ostensibly perfect Hollywood romance, c) he didn’t really give a shit about what people thought of him, and d) he did excellent things with his fame and money (including the civil rights effort in the 1960’s and creating the Hole In The Wall Gang).  Rest in peace, Mr. Newman. You’ll be greatly missed.

Paul Newman passed away at the age of 83.

He was absolutely one of my favorite actors—not only for his good looks and talent, but because a) he had so much life in his old age, b) he and Joanne Woodward (his wife since 1958, and now widow) had an ostensibly perfect Hollywood romance, c) he didn’t really give a shit about what people thought of him, and d) he did excellent things with his fame and money (including the civil rights effort in the 1960’s and creating the Hole In The Wall Gang). 

Rest in peace, Mr. Newman. You’ll be greatly missed.

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Fri 26

The Chronicles of Park Slope Olds

Yesterday, since I was feeling well enough to leave the house, I went to a patisserie to gorge myself on some fruit pastry.

As I paid at the counter while waiting for the clerk to box up my purchase, two old ladies enter the store. And when I say “old”, I mean that the first election they probably voted in was electing Gaius Julius Caesar as consul. Let’s call them “Mabel” and “Edna.”

Please note that I have credit card in hand, and I’m wearing red and black. The shop clerks are wearing all white and one is standing right next to me.

***

MABEL (to me at the counter): Excuse me, but do you carry any Italian bread here?

ME: Sorry, ma’am, but I don’t work here.

MABEL giggles embarrassedly, and I turn back to the counter.

EDNA (to me): EXCUSE me…she asked you a question!

MABEL (to Edna): Hush, Edna, I made a mistake. She doesn’t work here!

EDNA: Well, she looks like it, but who knows the difference these days. Let’s go.

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+

Ha

theengineer:

Larry King: You must be … proud that at this stage in our history a black man is running for president on a major ticket.
Chris Rock: Um, you know what? I’m proud Barack Obama’s running for president. You know? If it was Flavor Flav, would I be proud? No. I don’t support Barack Obama because he’s black.

Loved this.

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Wed 24
French Chefs Want French Gastronomy to be Declared a "World Treasure"

I once noted (unfounded, but funny to me) that the French coped with their sore loserness over the years by devising a new sauce that infiltrates Western (and some Eastern) cuisine.

Although not uncharacteristic of the French to self-aggrandize (as is my personal experience with French paramours) one can only imagine that a gastronomical demand such as this means the world is shortly ending.
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McCain Seeks to Delay Friday's Debate
NEW YORK - Republican John McCain said Wednesday he is directing his staff to work with Democrat Barack Obama’s campaign and the presidential debate commission to delay Friday’s debate because of the economic crisis.

So this is like the time in high school I had a major history test on Friday, and I was totally unprepared and forgot to make the cheat note card our teacher allowed us to have because I was too busy stressing out over what to wear to the college frat party on Saturday that would make me “mature yet sexy” (read: easy).
So I told my mom I needed the day off because I was having a “major crisis” (i.e., fake cramps), and she told me to shut the hell up, take some Advil, and get my ass to school.
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Tue 23
Clay Aiken Comes Out     …Never saw this coming!!! I can FINALLY get some rest at night. Although my future marriage plans are now scrapped, I will muster the will to go on.
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When I’m sick in bed, I often Google hot people to pass the time. (No joke.) Joan Holloway from Mad Men is a delightfully devious character, and (at the risk of objectifying) Christina Hendricks (who plays her) is smoking hot in real life. She killed this Emmys ensemble—the green looks amazing with her red hair, and she cuts a sultry, voluptuous figure (and I don’t use “voluptuous” euphemistically—her body’s killer and I’d trade her in a heartbeat). 

When I’m sick in bed, I often Google hot people to pass the time. (No joke.)

Joan Holloway from Mad Men is a delightfully devious character, and (at the risk of objectifying) Christina Hendricks (who plays her) is smoking hot in real life. She killed this Emmys ensemble—the green looks amazing with her red hair, and she cuts a sultry, voluptuous figure (and I don’t use “voluptuous” euphemistically—her body’s killer and I’d trade her in a heartbeat). 

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Mon 22
Barack Obama’s inbox (via The Onion). I LOVE how they displayed an e-mail from Dick Cheney. :o) (Speaking of the Devil—literally—my favorite cheesy political joke is this: “Why Did Al Gore buy a cock ring?” “Because George W. Bush had a Dick Cheney.”)

Barack Obama’s inbox (via The Onion). I LOVE how they displayed an e-mail from Dick Cheney. :o)

(Speaking of the Devil—literally—my favorite cheesy political joke is this: “Why Did Al Gore buy a cock ring?” “Because George W. Bush had a Dick Cheney.”)

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“Next week is the Giants’ bye week, so I will lend my ass-kicking services to defend the Cowboys honor for ONE time only. Ideally, “Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting)” by Elton John will be playing in the background as barstools and pint glasses sail above our heads. I also hope to make elbow-to-mouth contact with the closest fan wearing any AFC East or Eagles garb.
— Me, to a Cowboys Fan who happens to be a friend (weird, right?)
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